


I will Return

by MissLeighSays



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunk Sex, Drunkenness, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Lost Love, Love, Love/Hate, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 00:22:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3670566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissLeighSays/pseuds/MissLeighSays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been months after Inquisitor Lavellan has saved Thedas from chaos. Solas has left her to pursue his own journey. Dorian convinces her to have a fun night out. It becomes more than what she expects.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not Just Another Night

**Author's Note:**

> Still new at fanfic. I am still finding my style, but I am excited to begin another romance series. Leave some love in the comments. I am open to prompts as I always need inspiration. Thanks everyone xo!

“He isn’t coming back,” Sarai said to herself as she sat on the warm grass, sewing a blanket by the inn. She enjoyed sewing and giving her finished works to the children in skyhold. It gave her some purpose. Today it felt as if the wind was solely blowing around her and its whispers sounded like callings to her. Alas, Sarai knew it is all in her head. Her longing for him to call her, “Vhenan.” 

 “Sarai, you’re sewing…alone…like a widow…” said a teasing voice from the distance.

 She recognized his voice, it was Dorian. The Tevinter mage had become one of her best friends during the whole ordeal. From fighting demons to saving thedas to sharing their deepest secrets with each other, the two were inseparable. 

“I feel like it sometimes…” Sarai looked up, half-smiling. 

Dorian raised his eyebrow and gently sat next to Sarai, grabbing her by the shoulders tightly. 

“An explanation. That’s all I need. Some closure. I just don’t...” Sarai sighed heavily, holding back tears. She could never finish talking about Solas, it was draining.

“Darling, you can’t keep sulking around Skyhold like this! It’s going to be three months! Leliana is doing her best to find your lost elf. But you, my dear friend, must do your best to keep moving forward! Whether Solas returns or not.” Dorian sighed and looked into his best friend's eyes. “Now.. Iron Bull told me you declined Cullen’s birthday celebration tonight. You’ve never been one to turn down a party.” 

“Oh Dorian, I don’t know.” Sarai stared back at him with her almond-shaped eyes. 

“Enough. Everyone will be there. It’s your commander’s birthday. He would be simply ecstatic to have you there.” Dorian’s smile turned into a devious smirk.

There had been rumors of Cullen’s growing affections towards the Inquisitor, but with Solas in the picture, Sarai wouldn’t have noticed if there were hundreds of men & women at her doorstep. Solas was her world. 

“I suppose I can go. But only if you make sure I am not drinking to oblivion. Bull loves to see me stumble.” said Sarai, chuckling at a memory of her drunken nights with the huge Qunari warrior. 

“Now that… I can’t promise. There will be plenty of boys for me to play with, distractions, my love! But I will ensure you stay sober enough to order a second beer.” Dorian chuckled.

Sarai pinched his chest playfully, “Dorian I’m serious!” 

Continuing to laugh, Dorian stood up and began to walk away, “As am I my dear! Now go get pretty. I’ll meet you in front of the tavern.” 

 

 

 

> ** Later that night **

 

Night had fallen and the sounds of tavern echoed throughout Skyhold. Sarai stood by Herald's Rest tavern for Dorian. This was the first time in weeks she had put on makeup and proper attire, let alone drank socially with her people, her friends. 

 

“You look dashing.” Dorian said, walking down the stone stairs into the bright tavern night light.  

Sarai's wavy black hair laid gently on her breast, her makeup was smoky, and her tight outfit accentuated her female curves even more. 

“You’re looking quite handsome yourself Dorian, lest we forget.” Sarai said hugging him tightly. 

“Not sure anyone can forget.” Dorian corrected.

 

They both walked into the crowded tavern filled with friends of the Inquisition and some of the commander’s best soldiers. A cheerful band is playing all of the Thedas tavern hits.

“Inquisitor Lavellan!” a chipper Josephine rushed to Sarai embracing her tightly. “I am so glad you can make it. Dorian mentioned you were coming so I managed to order your favorite meat pies” 

“The ones with creme? You shouldn’t have! Thank you.” Sarai smiled excitedly. 

Those “little cakes” are her favorite things in all of Thedas aside from brandy. 

“Boss, I already have the bar warmed up for you.” Iron Bull shouted with two mugs in his hands. 

Josephine looked around and grabbed Dorian, “Uh, Inquisitor, we will return! Go on to Iron Bull.” 

“Uh, ok? Dorian, meet me at the bar when you are done. I guess.” 

 

Before he can answer, Josephine pulled him upstairs. 

“Bull! You’re still…sober.” Sarai jokingly said as she walked over to the bar.  

She took a large gulp of drink and winced at the taste. It burns always, but Iron Bull has taught her how to drink like a champion. 

 “Yeah, well, I promised Sera I’d wait for her to come down for a good ole’ game of “Under the Table.” 

The game solely entailed who can drink the most, but Sera intends it is more than just a game, but a test of spirit. 

Sarai laughed, “You always let her win Bull, she’s going to catch on.” 

Iron Bull growled, “She’s just a kid. She won’t. Anyway, how are you holding up boss? We haven’t talked one on one in a while.” 

“I’m fine. Glad things are getting patched up in Thedas.” Sarai took another gulp of her drink. 

“Boss, I know this isn’t the time or place to talk about…him. But I do know when you’re lying. I’ll pretend you are fine…well let’s drink until you are, yeah?” Iron Bull raised his glass in the air and winked at Sarai. 

She always appreciated Bull’s understanding. “Cheers Bull.” 

Sarai’s eyes scanned the room, the joy in her people’s face, give her warmth and just for a moment she forgot about Solas.

“Hey, now make room for me.” Varric jumped up, “Inquisitor! Glad you can make it. Heard Ruffles and Sparkler gave Cullen a makeover. The show should be starting any time now…”

“Show?” Sarai questioned. 

 

“Ladies and gentlemen of the Inquisition! May we gather your attention please?” shouted Dorian. 

Sera is heard giggling and Cassandra’s heavy sigh echoed throughout the tavern. 

“Ser Cullen Stanton Rutherford of Honnleath!” shouted Josephine excitedly. 

Sera continued to giggle uncontrollably in the background. The crowd in the tavern shout and clap as Cullen steps down with no armor, sporting a tight dark red tunic, black pants, glistening leather boots. His hair is slicked back, the blond curls looked particularly perfect. Sarai laughed loudly and clapped alongside her companions. 

 

“The ladies are going to be fawning over Cullen tonight.” Varric swore as he took a large gulp of his mead. 

“Hey! I think you and I are in the running just as much as Cullen, Varric.” Iron Bull grunted as his eyes watched a barmaid refill his pint. 

Rolling her eyes, Sarai said, “You’re both going to bring a beauty into your chambers tonight, I’m sure of it. Have you seen your pickings? Krem is a good matchmaker, where is he?” 

“Somewhere around here. He starts early.” Iron Bull lazily sat back. “Cullen is coming this way.” 

Bright eyed and blushing, Cullen made his way towards the bar. 

“Iron Bull, Varric..Inquisitor. It's..uh..pleasure. Do you see this getup?” he shyly said, pointing at his new outfit. 

“You look quite handsome Cullen. I don’t believe I’ve seen you without your lion armor and we’ve been friends for awhile. Happy Birthday, my dear. Let’s get you drunk!” Sarai leaned in to give Cullen a kiss on the cheek. 

The gesture nearly caused him to explode as his face turns beet-red and his eyes looked everywhere else but at Sarai. 

“Oh! Thank you, Inquisitor.” Cullen said. 

Iron Bull and Varric smiled as they watched Cullen’s girlish reaction. Sarai, oblivious, continued on. 

“No need to call me Inquisitor at this point. It’s Sarai. Now Iron Bull I say we get the strong stuff out now before I get sleepy! To Cullen!”

“To Cully-Wully!” Sera came by with two large jugs. 

 

Two hours passed by, the music had grown louder and the companions were drunker. Sarai leaned on a pole and smiled to herself. For once she had forgotten about Solas and all she can feel is the happiness she had found in her friends, her family. 

“There she is! Drunken. Here’s another.” Dorian slurring his words. “That drink was for Cole, but he made me forget. What a scoundrel! Enjoying the festivities?” 

“Yes, definitely. I don’t want it to end.” Sarai said. 

She blinked as her vision became blurry with each chug. the room spun, but she doesn’t mind it.  

“Have you noticed Cullen has been trying to speak with you all night?” Dorians asked inching closer to Sarai.

“Speak to me? No. Is something wrong?”

“Oh my dear Sarai. Have you forgotten what it's like when a man wants you? That Solas really has taken away your senses?” 

“No, I…What? Really? His little change of outfit and hair? Is it for?” 

“Yes. You need a break, Sarai. Even its a night of pleasure.” Dorian handed Sarai a filled jug of the strongest brandy in Thedas and pushed her into Cullen. 

Cullen’s eyes became low and he smirked as Sarai clumsily fell into his chest. He looked at her body and lightly licked his lips in admiration. She was always beautiful to him, thick hips, and long dark hair. She was different. He always wanted her, but Cullen was scared. Sarai is a mage and elven one at that, she reminded him too much of a mage he loved but lost back in Kirkwall. When Cullen realized his feelings, it was too late. Solas had swept the beauty off her feet, only to leave her, something Cullen wouldn’t dream of doing. He remembered watching Sarai sitting in Solas’ rotunda, occupied and just staring into darkness. She was cold and defeated. She seemed better now, regaining color to her skin and joy to her eyes. Maybe he could fulfill her. 

“Commander,” Sarai slurred as she continued to fall into his strong arms. Her head laid on his chest. “Happy pissing birthday. I am glad to have met you.” 

Cullen became unsure of what to do and already he can feel the heat rising to his cheeks. 

“Shall we dance? Looks like Sera and Krem have warmed up the dance floor for us.” 

Sarai dragged him to the dance floor. 

“Cully Wully and ‘Inquisi!” Sera snickered as she jumped up and down rhythmically to the music. 

Cullen grabbed Sarai’s small hands. Taken aback by her warmth, he froze. 

“What? Something wrong?” Sarai said.

“No. I just, Inquisitor.. Sarai, I mean. Nothing is wrong. Oh marker. Let’s dance.” they glided across the tavern. 

“Dorian! Do you see?” Josie squealed and pointed to Cullen.

“Teamwork, Ambassador. Now she just needs to learn how to dance.” Dorian laughed.  

Cassandra rolled her eyes, “I don’t see why distracting the Inquisitor with another will benefit her cause.” 

“Because she is more than her cause, Cassandra. She is more than my inquisitor. Sarai is my dear friend. Yours too! You should be happy she isn’t sulking in that Maker-Forsaken room.” 

“I suppose you are right. Let’s hope no one gets hurt in this matter. The Inquisition should not be compromised because of a few broken hearts. It is foolish.” Cassandra grunted and walked off. 

“Dorian, she could be right. What if Solas returns?” Josephine said. 

“Time and place, my dear. Let’s just enjoy ourselves. Leliana! Glad you’re here…” Dorian changed the topic. 

 

 

The party was finally over. all that remained was Cullen and Sarai as well as a drunken Sera, asleep under the table, as Cole tried to help get her out. 

 

"Sarai, if you do not mind, I will walk you to your quarters. It is late and everyone has left.” Cullen said quietly. 

Sarai looked up and realized how handsome Cullen truly is. Cullen’s lips curled as he stared at her intensely, wanting to kiss her, but terrified of her reaction. 

“That would be very nice. Thank you, Cullen.” 

As they walk back to her quartered, Sarai clung to Cullen to keep from falling. laughing, she shook her head. 

“Dorian got me drunk. When he said he wouldn’t! I will be finding him tomorrow.”

Cullen smiled, he knew what Dorian was trying to do, yet he did not stop him. Sarai let go of Cullen and within seconds fell flat on her back. 

Shocked, Cullen panicked, “Inquisitor, are you alright?” 

Sarai bursted out laughing until tears were streaming down her face. “I believe I’ve lost the skill of walking.” 

“Well then as your Commander, I must swoop in and carry you off the field.” Cullen picked up Sarai and threw her over his shoulder. 

“You’re my hero.” Sarai laughed, wiggling her feet as Cullen ran into the main hall. The guards nodded in approval. 

They reach Sarai’s door. She stared at the floor, thinking. 

“I don’t want to be alone tonight. Maybe Dorian was right, just one night. But I can’t do it in my quarters, not yet. I need somewhere new. I need..”

Sarai turned around to look up at the handsome commander and whispered, “Cullen, I would like to go back with you to your quarters.” 

Cullen blushing and unsure of himself, quickly agreed without saying a word. He grabbed her hand and led her quietly to his humble room.

 

The room was filled with plants, candles, and documents, neatly scattered throughout. Cullen walked off to light a fire. Sarai quietly slipped off her shoes and laid down, staring at the ceiling. The room still spun for her as did her mind. Cullen removed everything but his pants. The scars on his chest glistened in the light, the sun had been good to him. He sat beside Sarai and stared at her. It was either now or never. This is the moment he has been waiting for. 

 

“Sarai. I want to.” Cullen said slowly leaning in. 

“As do I.” Sarai grabbed Cullen’s face and kissed him passionately. 

Cullen quickly brought her up on top of him, grabbing her hips.  He felt his body tensing up as Sarai moved her hips up and down onto him. His breeches could only hide so much. Completely enthralled in Cullen’s body, Sarai moaned in pleasure. She hadn’t felt this way in months, it was overwhelming but she did not want to stop. Slipping her tongue into Cullen’s mouth, Sarai removed her top, revealing her round breasts to Cullen. 

 “Cullen, take me.” Sarai breathed into his ear. He smirked and grunts aggressively. 

“As you wish, my lady.” 

 

 

> _ He walked around her room. Her scent still lingering, but she was not there. It was probably better that way. It would’ve been complicated had he woken her up or ran into her. He just needed to talk to her even if just through a small note.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “Vhenan, I am the last person you need to hear from. I do not know why I am doing this. There are so many things for you to know. So many things I want to say. Please know that I am always thinking of you, always. Your youthful eyes, your long beautiful hair, Vhenan. I am sorry for writing you. I am weak.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ We’ll meet soon enough.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Solas” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ He disappeared into the darkness.  _


	2. I Will Wait For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarai is quite upset that Solas had visited without warning. Cullen is saddened to see his would-be lover become depressed again.

The morning sun peaked through the cracks of wood and gently woke Sarai up. She immediately felt the sting of a hangover as she groaned quietly. Her vision was clouded as she turned to step out of the commander’s bed. Sarai watched him as she gently snored. She could not believe her behavior last night, but she felt relieved to have a moment to be distracted. As Sarai stepped out of Cullen’s office, the sun shone much brighter than she had anticipated. She remembered that she had made plans with Mother Giselle to pick flowers and catch-up. That was out of the question now.

Sarai arrived at her quarters and immediately stopped mid-way. Something was off. Someone had been in here. Someone familiar. Her eyes searched the room frantically. The balcony door was left open. She slowly stepped towards her desk and noticed a small note. The handwriting was neatly written in cursive. Having begun reading the letter, Sarai’s hands shook as she lost her breath.

“Solas.” Sarai said solemnly.

How could he just come in her room and leave such a cryptic note? How did he even get past the guards? Her anger turned into sadness as she began questioning herself. “I should’ve stayed in, waited. My heart.” Sarai clenched onto her chest and fell to floor sobbing.

 

 

Hours passed and Sarai had not left her quarters since morning. Dorian rushed through the Great Hall, this is not the first time he has made this trip. He had hoped it would not happen again. He stopped in front of the Sarai’s door, surprised to see Cullen standing there. His forehead on the door with a pink rose in his hand.

“Cullen. What are you doing here?” Dorian said sternly.

“Leliana told me. Sarai hasn’t left her quarters all day. I somehow feel like this is my fault. Last night…” Cullen looked down and opened the door for Dorian. “Make sure she is well. I will not allow for him to bring her back to that darkness again.”

Dorian nodded in agreement and ran through the doors to find Sarai sitting at her desk holding the letter. Her eyes were red with dilated pupils. Maker, she must’ve been crying for hours. Sarai’s right glowing as if she was trying to magically connect with the piece of paper.

“Inquisitor, I promise you, I will find the elf. I will learn of how he has entered Skyhold without being noticed. I apologize. He will not get away with this.” Leliana said, her tone was cold but underneath warm, concerned for her leader.

“Thank you.” Sarai whispered. Her focus did not deter from the letter. Dorian slowly walked up to the women, worry in his eyes. He looked around to find any trace Solas might have left. He was holding in his anger towards the elf for the sake of Sarai.

“Hurt. Confused. Separate beds. Same thoughts. They both seek each other but none are sure why. He left his magic hidden in the ink. She knows but can’t reach.” Cole can be heard from the balcony. “Another holds a rose for her. Waiting. Hoping. Saddened. Wanting to protect her. Who will she choose?”

“Cole, please.” Dorian said. “Sarai, you can not keep allowing him to torture you.”

“Inquisitor, I will bring you justice. My scouts will continue to search.” Leliana chimed in. Dorian shook his head in disagreement with Leliana.

“Sarai. May I be stern with you?” Dorian asked. Sarai looked up, her light brown eyes were broken. She knew what Dorian is going to say.

“Dorian, she knows.” Cole answered for her.

Dorian threw his arms in the air in agitation at Cole’s mind reading. It was handy, but often times overbearing for him.

“Thank you for your input, Cole. Let me read this letter.” Sarai handed the crumpled letter to Dorian. “Are you sure its him?”

“I know his handwriting. I feel his magic. I knew he was here the moment I returned to my quarters this morning.”

“This morning?” Leliana smirked. “Ah. The rose. I will have to have a word with a particular lion.” Leliana made a mental note. “Well, looks like he might be making a trip back to your quarters at any time. Maybe one of us should stay here this evening? Leliana perhaps your scouts could stand guard? Waiting?”

“Dorian! I will not be watched by guards like some child!” Sarai stood up, shoving everything off her desk. Cole’s heart broke has he watched Sarai. She was getting dark again and he could not stand to see his friend in so much pain.

“Sarai. I can stay. I will stay, like a friend. You once told me that friends will make me feel better. Please let your friends help.” Cole said with his hands reached out to hug Sarai. Sarai hugged Cole tightly.

“Okay. But please do not stand over my bed like last time.” Sarai said jokingly. Dorian laughed loudly as Leliana shook her head, amused.

 

 

Cullen placed the pink rose on his desk and sat down. Before he could take a breath of rest, his loyal soldier, Langston rushed in. Cullen looked up at his scout with saddened eyes.

“Commander, we’ve ensured safe transport of Noble Ulysses Jeux and his family. Lady Ambassador asked that I check to make sure you will be attending tonight’s banquet.”

“Thank you Langston. You can tell Lady Josephine that I will be attending but won’t be staying for long. Go on.” Cullen pointed to the door. “If you could.”

“Yes, ser.” Langston walked out bumping into Lady Sarai half way out.

Cullen’s heart had been sinking all day. He couldn’t stop thinking about Sarai, her body, her warmth, the way she kissed him. He wondered if this was all a mistake. He just wanted to save her, hold her, remind her that she deserves more than false promise. He sat in his thoughts. A mere few minutes passed by, a soft knock came from his door. Cullen broke from his thoughts. “Yes?” Cullen changed his tone.

“Cullen?” Sarai’s voice quietly called from the other side.

“Inquisitor!” Cullen rushed from his desks to the door. “Please come in. Are you alright?”

Sarai walks in slowly, already in her evening gown, a turquoise silky dress with golden threading. “I wanted to apologize for my behavior this afternoon. It was irrational and I am utterly embarrassed.” Sarai looked away. Cullen turned around and quickly grabbed the rose.

“I got you this from the garden. I-“ Cullen blushed. “Oh maker. I guess that is not exactly a smooth response.”

Giggling, Sarai took the rose. “Its lovely.”

“You look incredible.” Cullen whispered. He grabbed her hips and brought her closer to him. Sarai naturally melted into his big arms. “Sarai, I want you to take your time. I can’t expect you to forget this pain. But please allow me to make things just a bit easier.” Cullen nuzzled into Sarai’s neck, nibbling playful. Holding her felt natural to him, he hoped she felt the same.

“That’s it? It’s that easy for you?” Sarai smiled sheepishly.

Cullen knew he was lying. It wasn't going to be easy. What if Solas returned? He daydreamed fighting the Elf, ripping him a part for the heart of the woman he was falling for.

“Yes. I want nothing more than your happiness.” Cullen said smiling.

“I don’t want to rush into anything. I can’t.” Sarai replied reluctantly.

“Just a few moments of your time once in awhile is fine by me Inquisitor.” Cullen kissed her forehead.

“Go get ready Lion. Dinner will be begin very soon. It’ll be dreadfully boring, but I need someone to talk to.” Sarai said playfully, walking out out of the commander’s office. The night air tingled her skin. Cullen is handsome and kind, its difficult not to fall for him. The moment she walked out that room, she thought of Solas again. It will pass, she hopes. It has to.

 

**\- Later that Evening -**

"Do you braid your hair every night Sarai?" Cole asked. "Does it not become exhausting?"

Sarai chuckled, "It does, but women do a lot of things before bed, so tomorrow we wake ready to take on the day.” Cole shrugged his shoulders and yawned. "Why don't you sleep Cole? I'll be up quite a bit, I have reading to do. I had a bed made for you. Its above us.” Sarai gently said. 

"Why are you reading more about the fade and dreams?" Cole knew why, but he didn't want to believe his friend would put herself in danger again.

"If there's one place I can find Solas its there. Please don't tell anyone, not even Dorian." Sarai said whispering.

"I'll go with you."

"Cole, I can't allow you to endanger yourself for my nonsense. Now go on, rest. Tomorrow we can pick fruits from the garden to help mother Giselle."

He was going to whether she wanted or not but he did not want to upset her. He had a feeling Solas would show again. Earlier, Cole saw Sarai writing and putting magic into her paper but he did not know what kind. He stood up and went upstairs to stare at the ceiling and listen.

Sarai quickly stood up and grabbed her letter from underneath her pillow. She tip-toed to her desk and placed the letter along with a blue glowing rock to catch Solas' attention if he were to come. "Now where is my book?" Sarai whispered to herself. She was excited, angry, and utterly terrified. Throwing herself into her bed, she began to read but ended up falling asleep with the book still in her hands. Cole too can be heard snoring gently.

Hours passed and Solas quietly landed on the balcony. He managed to learn Sarai's fast travel spell for particular points on his journey. He turned around and stopped in his tracks. She was there. He can see the shadow of her body from the distance. Unsure, Solas took a step back ready to leave until he noticed a fiery rock glowing on her desk. The words "Vallas" whispered to him. Sarai enchanted the letter to him. Solas sighed and quietly stepped back in. Sarai was no light sleeper, that wasn't his concerned, he felt another presence in the room.

"Solas." Cole said from the darkness. Solas paused and smiled, he was glad to know someone was protecting her.

"Cole, we mustn't wake Lavellan. Please let me handle this." Solas looked down at the letter.

"She feels your warmth. Dreams of you even as we speak. The fade keeps her occupied just like it does you. Flowers. Elven Gardens. Sweet fruits from the forest. Vhenan" Cole somberly said as he turned and walked away. "If you come to continue to hurt her because of your weakness, I will hurt you."

Solas watched Cole go back to his bed, he can see the glistening of his blades, ready to kill him at any moment. There was love in his anger. He gently took the note Sarai had left. He felt her magic. Ma Vhenan.

_“I can't move Solas. I find myself trapped in a eternal slumber of angst. You can imagine the pain I felt seeing your handwriting, feeling your presence though you left hours before I've arrived. I don't know what you're doing. Why do you return leaving me with maybes yet again? Mysteries you refuse to allow me to solve. You are confusing and selfish for hiding in the shadows watching me weep. You underestimate me and the love we have. Maybe I won’t wake as you read this but I’ll know you were here.”_

His eyes grew dark and burdened. He placed his own letter down. Another piece of paper fell from her desk.

_“The voices in my head from the well have stopped. I am thankful. My magic and power to understand has strengthened. I am learning much about my people, the Gods and their glory. Solas’ whereabouts are hidden still, but I know where I can look. The well can tell me and if that doesn't work the fade will do. I have keys to unlock his door, his truth, I just need to learn more. I am wiser than he believes me to be.”_

“Sarai, you mustn’t.” Solas whispered angrily. How could she? She would endanger her mental well-being or possibly die to bring him back to her. But Sarai was right. She was stronger, wiser than ever. Asking the Well would reveal his true being and he refused to have her find out in such a way. Grabbing a quill and he writes over his letter, panicked.

_“Vhenan, I know your plan. Do not dare continue to do so. Meet me in the forest outside of Skyhold when you wake. Please do not bring anyone with you. I await you.”_

The sun flooded her quarters and caressed her face. She opened her eyes, smiling, her dreams were beautiful last night. Sarai turned to see Cole sleeping on the floor beside her bed. Little did she know, he sat there watching Solas’ every move. Sarai popped her head out.

“Psst, Cole. Come sleep up here, its still early.” Cole opened one eye and groggily got up, plopping himself on the bed. Being human required sleep, he was still getting use to the idea.

“He’s waiting.” he said falling back to sleep. Sarai’s eyes brightened. She rushed to her desk.

“Damn it. He read my journal.” Sarai cursed. It was still early, she could sneak out now without questioning. She rushed to her dressing chambers. She was ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn it Sarai. Not sure what drama I began writing. Oh well.


	3. Lost to Be Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas has managed to return into Sarai's life. She becomes blinded by love and does her best to convince the Elf to stay. On the other hand, Cullen is brokenhearted and has accepted that he has possibly lost all chances with Sarai.  
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to read the other chapters for perspective.  
> Chapter 3 here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3670566/chapters/8505433

The warm breeze comforted Sarai as she tipped toed through the forest. She picked up elfroot and other healing plants as she walked. Sarai had her staff in hand, sporting a simple purple dress as flowers adorned her hair. She truly looked like a child of the forest. Solas watched her from a willow, in awe of her beauty. Sarai sat on a bed of daisies and smiled with hope. 

"I am here vhenan." She whispered, trying to sense his presence. 

Solas gently jumped down behind her, a smile naturally formed on his face. 

"As am I." Solas said, barely a whisper.  

Sarai didn’t move. She did not think her emotions would be so overwhelming. Her eyes held back a river of tears. She clenched the grass, holding back. To hear his voice again, it was real. Her dreams did not do him justice. 

 

"Please come sit with me." Sarai gestured to the ground. 

Solas had never seen her so calm. He was always the reserved one. He sat next to her, afraid to touch her, with the fear of it all being a dream. 

"You look beautiful. The roots of the forest kiss you perfectly." Solas commented. 

Sarai still didn't looked at him. She closed her eyes as if to say a prayer. Solas looked down, unsure of what to say. 

"I forgive you." Sarai opened her eyes and turned to him. The tears bursted through and couldn't be stopped. She moved cautiously to hug him. "I forgive you. I don't care what you did or what you are." 

 

Solas sighed. To tell her the truth, it required explanations upon explanations and when all he wanted was to pepper her in kisses.  

“You do not know what you say vhenan. The truth might cause you to kill me right here.” Solas replied.  

“Your expectations of my compassion must be low for you to think of such a thing.” Sarai’s tone changed. “Solas whether you tell me or not isn’t the concern, now that I have you here in front of me. Will you stay?”

“If I tell you the truth, you might ask me to leave.” 

“You need to give me that power back. What makes it alright for you to leave without explanation, but I can’t decide whether your wrongdoing is punishable enough for me to leave you? Rubbish Solas and you know it!” 

“The Orb.” Solas grunted in disgust to even begin to tell the story. “It was I.” 

 Sarai’s grip loosened and she slowly moved away. 

“No…no..no Solas why?” her voice lowered, terrified.  

“I was weak from my slumber. I need to save our people. I was a fool. I can’t explain any further.” Solas continued. 

“I don’t understand. What slumber? I don’t…” Sarai’s eyes widened and her face turned pale. “Creators…Solas, are you? No…” 

 

Solas quickly got up to leave again. The pain of the truth was too much for him and he rather have Sarai forget him. Sarai quickly followed and grabbed her staff. She placed a barrier around them.  

“No.” Sarai said. “Who are you?” 

“You do know I can break this barrier down and make you forget every thing you just heard.”Solas was becoming impatient. His pride was weakening, he loved her, but selfishness was easier. Brokenhearted by his words, tears streamed down her face. 

 “Yet you haven’t. I won’t run if you don’t.” her voice softer, meeker. Solas’ turned around to see Sarai crying and his heart broke. She was right. He would never hurt her on purpose. He promised her the truth. 

 “Lavellan, I am Solas. An elf born of the forest. A wanderer. A friend of spirits. Fade Mage.” He turned to her with his eyes glowing. Sarai froze. She stared back with intensity. This was the moment she was waiting for, yet she was not prepared. “Ma’Vhenan, I am Fen'harel. Dread Wolf as you know him.” 

 

Sarai’s eyes widened and her mouth opened in shock. Her vision became dizzy. 

“I hid the Gods in hopes of preventing more damage but alas I was awakened to find The People destroyed by shems, by themselves, by their lies. I sought the orb to awake my brothers and sisters, but I could not. I made a poor decision.” 

Silence fell upon the forest. It was as if it were listening. Solas turned to Sarai and his eyes still flaming blue. 

 

"I will take my leave then." He began to walk away.

Sarai quickly attempted to strengthen the barrier but failed.  

"Solas, I feel weak. Please don't go yet." The idea of him being an old God broke her emotionally, weakened her magic and her health. She understood now why Solas did not want to share this truth with her. Sarai fell to the ground. Solas rushed to her side. 

"Vhenan!" He shouted. 

Her limp body was warm. Shock and fear must've stricken her magic. _This my fault_ , he thinks. Solas' hand glowed as he touched her face hoping to revive her. 

"I will not leave." He cried quietly. His tears hit her face.  

Sarai slowly opened her eyes to see a sobbing Solas staring back down at her. She reached for his face, gently cupping it in her hands.  Slowly regaining her balance, she lifted herself up and snuggled into Solas' arms. 

 

"Do you see why I hid?" Solas peppered her face with kisses as he yearned. 

"But I am a woman of my word." Sarai calmly said. "Liar or not, I forgive. I'm only saddened you hadn't told me earlier." 

"How could I tell the woman I love that it was me who put the world and more importantly, her, in danger?" 

"Love is filled with mistakes Solas. Things are not black and white as you perceive them to be." Sarai was right and Solas knew it. She always challenged him. Her wisdom often times put his own to shame. Solas answered with his silence. 

"Solas am I to believe that you didn't try to redeem yourself? Did you not risk your life to stop Corypheus? You healed our friends during battle despite a dragon breathing fire down your neck. You have done your service. If we are to save The People, I don't think showing up and saying you're Fen'Harel will help.

"We?" Solas smirked. The exact thing he didn't want, she already decided. 

"Come back with me to skyhold. No one will say a word to you." He couldn't believe what was happening. 

"I haven't told you everything.

"We will talk more later. Come now." Sarai demanded as she pulled him towards Skyhold. 

 

** \- At Skyhold -  **

 

The moment Sarai reached the throne room, Dorian and Varric came running towards the two elves. Dorian angrily grabbed his staff ready to fight for Sarai. _How dare Solas return after the pain he has caused? Why has he returned?_ Before he could say a word, Sarai jumped in his arms. 

 

"I know what you're thinking. Don't kill him yet." She kissed a flustered Dorian on the cheek as he glared at Solas. 

"Shit," Varric says, "Welcome back?" 

"Hello Varric. I'm surprised to see you still here." Solas had no emotion. His feelings kept eating at him. Sarai was in denial and he was enabling it.

"There isn't anything in Kirkwall for me right now. Besides Lavellan is good people."  

 

Heavy footsteps approached. A large shadow cast upon the companions. Solas turned. A heavy hand struck his face and he fell to the ground.

"How dare you!" Cassandra shouts as she stands above the elf. " Why are you here?" 

 Sarai ran to Solas.  Cassandra stood there in anger, holding on to her sword.  

"I guess I deserve that." Solas mumbled.

"Do you realize what you've done? The fact that all we worked for almost diminished because you broke the heart of the strongest woman in Thedas." Cassandra spewed. 

"Cassandra! I don't believe this is the right place to discuss my personal life" Sarai shouted. Those in the main hall stared in silence. 

“Vhenan, I would like to retire to your quarters as I fear my presence has angered our friends." Solas rubbed his inflicted face. Sarai nodded and gestured the guards to walk Solas to her room. 

 

"Sarai what are you doing? What about Cullen?” Dorian hushed his voice. Varric stepped back and started chuckling. Sarai's face suddenly flushed a bright red. 

"Curly? You mean?" He stopped. “Shit, Lavellan!”

"We are not courting. He and I already discussed this. I am not having this conversation here!" Sarai whispered. 

"Friend. I do hope you realize what you are doing. I would hope you'd tell us before bringing Solas back. But love stirs us in different ways." Cassandra said with sadness in her voice. She was worried about her friend. 

 "You've been reading my books again huh seeker?" Varric smirked.

"I must go. We will talk later." Sarai rushed to her quarters.

 

Solas sat on the bed. Her scent lingered. He missed being here. It was quiet. He was scared to know how Lavellan was when he left her. Had she gone mad? Cassandra made it seem so. Even Dorian looked angered. Sarai was beloved. He was glad to know that she was in good hands despite the pain he caused her.  The door slowly opened and light footsteps approached him. Sarai touched his face. 

"I'm sorry that happened. I have some cool cloth to make the pain less."  

Solas just stared. Her face glowed. 

"You've remained so beautiful." He said. 

"What did you expect me to age over the course of a few months? You're silly." Sarai chuckled. 

"No. I- yes that was a silly statement." Solas smiled. Sadness overcame him as Sarai smiled expectantly at him. He couldn’t stay for long, a truth that haunted him. 

 

*** 

Word got back to Cullen as soon the elf step foot into Skyhold. He didn't understand how something so magical could be destroyed while being in his hands for only a few days. Solas was back and Cullen was in anguish. He wasn’t surprised. Hurt, perhaps, just a bit. Sarai never pledged love to Cullen. _Unrequited._ Cullen thought to himself. He sat in the room in silence trying to let it sink in, he then began to write. 

 

_ Sarai. I mustn't say I'm surprised. Your undying love for Solas is not something I could compete with. Best of luck Inquisitor." _

 

She deserved better, the world was at her feet yet she chose a man who left her when she needed him the most. The idea of seeing her on his arm brought fury to Cullen's heart. 

 

"Oh maker, I can't do this. Not today." Cullen whispered to himself. He crumpled the paper and tossed it. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for those who have been waiting on another addition! Life got in the way and I just had no inspiration. But I am back and hopefully will continue to write more. Lots of dialogue sorry! Thanks for the kind words. Any prompts or ideas - share. I am happy for the inspiration.


	4. Chapter 4

"You can tell Celene, I'll be honored to go her banquet. We need to discuss the Dales situation anyway." Sarai marked on the map. Her three advisors nodded in agreement. Days have passed since Solas had returned. Sarai had avoided speaking to him about his reasons why, but instead continued as if nothing ever happened. The denial in her routine was noticed by everyone, but herself.

"I believe she would be glad to discuss, with Briala on her side, of course." Josephine chirped, scribbling in her notepad.

Cullen had not seen Sarai since their talk and since Solas returned. He avoided her gaze like the plague, staring at the map the entire time. Sarai noticed and instantly felt a pang of guilt. Was she doing something wrong? Solas was back and things were normal, but why was Cullen a distant thought that would not go away?

"Uh, Commander. Are there any updates?" Sarai said quietly. Cullen refused to look up.

"The troops have returned from helping your clan in the Free Marches. Coin has been made in Val Royeux. And ..." Cullen glanced up and saw Sarai looking at him with soft eyes. A knot grew in his throat and his face became flushed. Leliana turned to the Commander.

"Cullen, are you alright?" She asked concerned.

"I-I don't. Yes. I'm fine." Cullen looked back down. "Headache is all. Are we done here?"

"Yes. We can commence tomorrow." Josephine stared at Leliana, nodding towards the door. They both make their leave. Cullen and Sarai remained. Sarai wanted to run away. She suddenly felt shame and sadness.

"Cullen..." Sarai whispered reaching out her hand.

"In a matter of days I lost you." Cullen looked up, his eyes glossed over. 

"I thought we discussed everything and..." Sarai's eyes swelled in tears.

"Yes... You are correct. I am foolish to be as upset as I am. But Sarai you deserve better. What if he leaves again? The risks. Yet you pursued him! Does he even know about the moments we shared?" Cullen raised his voice.

Sarai stopped herself from speaking. Solas didn't know anything because quite frankly Sarai wasn't sure if it was necessary or how Solas would react.

"If it happens again then I'm done." Sarai sternly said, only half believing her statement.

"As you wish. I enjoyed our time together. Another time, Inquisitor." Cullen stormed off. Sarai slowly walked behind. She headed towards the garden to get her mind off everything. _What a disaster this whole ordeal has become._ She thought to herself. 

 

The smell of flowers and berries softened her mood. It was times like these she missed her clan the most. Life was simpler then. She sat down on a bench in the herbal garden and closed her eyes.

"There you are." Solas approached her, touching her hair gently.

"Oh you're out of hiding." Sarai smiled weakly. Something was obviously on her mind, Solas noticed.

"Yes. Hopefully I don't run into the Seeker. Something is amiss in your mind. What is it?" He sat next her.

"I'm scared. Scared that you will leave again and that this is all for naught." Her honesty surprised Solas. He had only been here a few days. Sarai had every right to be suspicious, he thought to himself.

"I see."

"It's not that I don't trust you, it's just..." Sarai sighed unable to finish her sentence.

"I can't make the promise that I will stay vhenan." Solas felt regret in his throat. "You fear the truth. I've been here days and you have yet to allow me to share the whole truth."

"I thought I heard the worst of it." She mumbled. Sarai was scared the truth really would push her away.

"No. But if I leave and pursue my quest. I will come back for you." Solas became uneasy.

"Are you expecting me to wait?"

"That is a selfish thought indeed." They sat in silence, taking in each other's words.

Commander Cullen came rushing into the garden. The pain he felt leaving Sarai like that in the War Room was overwhelming, he had to apologize. As he approached her, there was Solas. _Oh Maker! Of course I would run into him._ Cullen thought to himself. The elf wasn't even showing Sarai affection, it infuriated him.

"Oh...Sarai." Cullen stood there, lost as to whether to run or make a lie.

"Cullen?" Sarai looked up, she had been crying. Solas slowly glanced up.

"Commander, what brings you to the garden?" His tone was protective. Solas always knew Cullen had feelings for Sarai, but brushed it off. The thought of the Commander making his move the moment Solas stepped out of Skyhold enraged him. Jealousy was a boy's game, but Solas could not help but to be agitated. 

"Have you upset Sarai?" Cullen stepped closer.

"This is a conversation between the two of us. I don't believe a third party was called" Solas coolly said.

"What! Listen Mage, You have put the welfare of Sarai in jeopardy due to your selfish decisions. Now you come and command me?" Cullen felt the fire in chest.

"Again, I do not remember you being asked to join our discussion." Solas smirked.

"Enough the both of you!" Sarai shouted, fire in her hands as if she were ready to burn the both of them.

"Sarai, you don't deserve to be treated like an afterthought." Cullen held on to this sword.

"Ah. I see. The commander has fallen for what is not his. Are you planning to duel?" Solas pointed at the sword.

"I swear I will burn the both of you." Sarai gritted her teeth.

"Remember the ground which you walk Mage." Cullen turned to walked away.

"Elven." Solas remarked. "We need to talk now." He was seething in anger. Solas grabbed Sarai and pulled her into the Great Hall towards her quarters. He wanted to leave skyhold at that very moment. His plans were disrupted.

 

"I do not know how long I can stay and wait." Solas said, holding back his anger. He had been silent since they arrived to her quarters.

"Waiting? You make it seem like being with me is a great ordeal." Sarai had her back to him.

"I have plans that are greater than this. You will see. And if you wait..."

"You can leave." Sarai was tired of fighting. Solas looked at her in shock. Her words felt like a boulder had been dropped in the middle of the room. The dust of confusion had been cleared and Sarai became cold as the truth began to unfold. He was not going to stay. 

"Vhenan please."

"No please go. I'll be here when you return. If I am not, no hard feelings right?" Sarai walked away to her desk and began to read documents left by Josephine. Solas somberly grabbed his things.

"I only wish you'd let me..."

"Let you what solas? Manipulate me? If I'm here when you're done saving the world or whatever you plan on doing. I'm yours. If not, I pity _you_ for losing out." Solas silently agreed. "I'm in power now. Understand that." Sarai waved her hand, dismissing Solas. 

"I will return for you." Solas said indefinitely. He walked over and kneeled. "I will Sarai."

Her heart sunk in her chest. She had to be stronger than this. Solas was her weakness. She _would_ wait and that _was_ the problem. It was not an option she wanted to think of. _No, it is not an option_ , she thought to herself.

"I will not expect you to wait. That would be unfair of me." Solas suddenly felt great sadness. The first time was hard enough. "But I will be back."

"Dareth shiral" Sarai looked down. Her tears began swelling around her almond shaped eyes.

"I love you." Sarai began to sob. Solas paused his step but knew if he turned back, he would never leave and he had to do this for his people, for him, and especially for her. He quietly closed the door behind him. 

Sarai looked up and found herself alone, again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarai has decided to leave Skyhold and focus on Inquisition matters to get her mind off Solas. Cullen reminds her to heal and not forget who she really is.

Not even a full week had passed and Sarai was already back on her feet. Well that’s what she had hoped everyone would see. Her anger fueled her to set out and get things done. Solas was gone and she refused to go back to her weakened state. Sadness was unacceptable for her.

"Bull I need you tomorrow." Sarai walked up to the Qunari by the bar.

"Where we are going? Who are we killing?" Iron bull responded without hesitation.

"Dragon. Exalted Plains. We travel at dawn."

Sarai walked away before he could ask anymore. She had fire in her steps. She pushed through people, her eyes focused on her destination. As she walked into the War Room, her advisors were startled by her abrupt entrance.

"What have we today? Our month in one shot please." Sarai looked up and smiled.

It wasn't a real one, but a hurried one. There was anger in her eyes. Everything about her was on fire. Cullen could feel her rage.

"Empress Celene would love to see you see soon to further discuss our alliance. Briala seeks your presence in a local alienage. Queen Anora seeks your presence and assistance in helping refugees." Josephine said quickly without losing a breath.

"Leliana? Cullen?" Sarai tapped her finger on the table impatiently.

"Well inquisitor, the Frostback Basin. Harding and soldiers are preparing to head there in a few weeks. The researcher asks that you join once they set up shop." Leliana responded.

"That is all? Tomorrow I will be traveling to the Exalted Plains. I’ll plan with our scouts and my companions our route. Sarai turned and walked away."I'll be training outside Skyhold for the next few hours. I believe we are done here." 

It ached Cullen to see her like that. Sarai had not spoken to him since Solas left. The few days in between them felt like months. As she left the room, there was a frustrated silence between the three.

"She mustn't allow this to affect her reign." Leliana finally said.

"I don't think she will. She is not weak. Sarai is fully-functioning it seems. I just can’t imagine what she is thinking..." Josephine added.

Cullen stood there deciding whether to chase after her or not.

"Cullen? Have you spoken to her?" Leliana interrupted his train of thought.

His eyes widened. "Uh. Well no. I'm not sure if it's my place. Aren't you women close enough to discuss such matters?"

They both rolled their eyes. Josephine scribbled into her notepad and sighed.

"We will meet again tomorrow. Hopefully one of us can catch Sarai before she runs off?"

“I will speak to her.” Cullen announced.

Leliana turned her head and smiled. “Thank you Commander.” The two women chuckled and stepped out.

 

 

Cullen stepped through the grassy grove. He was surprised this warm piece of land existed in a stone-like place such as Skyhold. _Perhaps summer was coming_ , he thought to himself. The closer he got to Sarai, the more anxious he became. _This is a bad idea_ , Cullen kept repeating to himself. He felt as if he were setting himself up to get hurt, Sarai never promised anything. It was him that was pushing her, chasing her constantly.

Loud, angry grunts could be heard from a distance. Cullen smirked. He was excited to find her despite having saw her less than hour ago. There she was, in her short mage robe. _Maker, the way she sways her hips while positioning her staff_. Cullen was mesmerized. She was sweating and her black hair was everywhere. He felt bad thinking all these thoughts despite her being hurt.

"Hello." Cullen said almost a whisper.

Sarai instantly stopped. "Hello." She was out of breath. She turned to him with agitation.

"Practicing for your dragon hunt?" Cullen felt his cheeks reddening as she stared at him.

"Why are you here?" Sarai was never one for small talk. Something Josephine was still teaching her.

"I, well, Maker..." Cullen grabbed his neck in embarrassment. "I wanted to see how you were doing. Is that wrong me?" Cullen finally said.

"Not at all." Sarai whispered. Her brow softened as she frowned.

"What are you going to do?" Cullen abruptly. Sarai raised her eyebrow. "He's gone. Possibly for years. Possibly forever. Are you going to sit and be angry until then? Kill the real Sarai and just remain Inquisitor Lavellan?" Cullen was shocked by his own honesty.

Sarai put her staff down, defeated. Tears formed at the corner of her eyes. Her breathing became heavy.

"I'm not asking you get over him and be with me. Please do not think this is a selfish plea. I care about YOU. I'm asking you to not lose yourself anymore because of him."

This was the most Cullen had spoken without stumbling over his words. The passion he felt for Sarai was real and he wanted nothing more than to love her, but if that meant her healing on her own, so be it. The silence was agonizing to him.

"Commander, what you suggest I do then?" Sarai was earnest in her question.

"Know that it's okay to hurt and that healing is natural. Hiding behind your fireballs doesn't heal. You taught me that Sarai. We all must face our demons, but know that we can defeat them."

Cullen walked towards her slowly, his arms open. Sarai stepped to him and fell into his chest.

“I’ll be back, you know? I’m not running away. I just need to deal with this on my own.”

Sarai held on to him tightly. Cullen smiled and kissed her forehead.

“You’ll be back before you know it.” Cullen whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy Cullen :)

**Author's Note:**

> Solas is a jerk. That is all.


End file.
